Never want to turn away

Nanashi mode:

Sometimes, I find it hard to speak.

Hard to speak to those whom I proved to be so dear to me.

Face to face, all I can manage is a smile and answers of no more than one word.

To think about it, that has been the way I have ever been. Perhaps from here on, that will be the way I will ever be. Weaving in through the traffic of humans, there is no way that we will never be seperated from one another.

So much so, that I never want to turn away.

So much so, that I never want to say "Good bye"

Beacause if I am never able to meet you in the future, what use is it for me to say Good bye? What use is it for me since all memories will be erased in the end? What use is it for me...

If you chose to forget me entirely?

Each time I face someone, I ask myself, would I want to greet you and have a talk with you. Yet, each time I greet you, I am never considered to exist at all, hence, I chose to turn around.

Turn around and let my back face you.

Do you know, that I hate the feeling of turning away from you? Do you know, that I hate the feeling of never wanting to see you at all? Just because of the fact...

I hate to see you when you leave.

For each and everyone of us, the sky out there is infinitely high and crystal blue, holding on to all our dreams and our future. Hence, we will venture out and fly, leaving behind one another during one time or another.

That is why, I never want to fly. Yet, when each and every one of you spread your wings to fly, you fly away, far and chasing after your dreams. Fly away, from me.

Fly away... Into your destiny.

Rain

The rain will never stop.

That's what I believe in.

No matter how heavy the rain is, I prefer to go on with my journey, even though I would be drenched in the end. That's because sadness isn't going to pass with just so short an amount of time.

Do you know, I have grew to hate the feeling when there's rain.

Because with each downpour, I am jerked to realization.

That the sky is crying, just like my heart is.

With each negative emotions that I feel, the dark clouds gather overhead, and soon, rain will begin. So much so that I have grew to hate the rain.

Because I am taken for granted, the rain will never stop.

Though I have convinced myself to give in to others, there's no way in the end that everything would turn out fine. So many times I have tried to start a conversation, but with each talk, they either end in the fact that no one believes me or that they are too busy to even bother with me. While I speak of the truth, people merely think I'm joking and making up stories.

But I'm not.

With the recent advancement in technology, a majority of people owns handphones by now. Nevertheless to say, I own one as well, but the only use for it is...

For others to contact me when they are in deep trouble or they need consultation on things.

I really doubt the purpose of the invention of the phone now. Frankly speaking, how many a times do we really call others to ask about how they are? We only call others when we need thier help.

So much so, I hate the phone. Which is why I seldom answer it.

Because I do not want to face the problem of only being regarded as trash after they are done with.

Hence, my phone shall just lie and die. There's no reason for me to even pick it up or take a look at it.

There's no messages waiting for me anyway, because no one cares to give a damn about me.

As such, why should I even live this lonely and pathetic life?

I might as well die.

Do you know why the sky rains?

Strange, isn't it? No one has been able to explain the meaning of rain for the entire eternity that humans are alive. Over the years, by and by, all we know about the rain are the scientific ways they form and such, but really, is this the meaning that rain bring about?

I doubt so.

November has already started.

Autumn, has arrived.

Today, I viewed the sky differently.

As I watch the rain drops fall, I suddenly felt a tinge of sadness. The day before, I had allowed myself to be drenched, the cold droplets rolling down my warm skin and falling onto the ground once more.

I feared that feeling.

The coldness. The emptiness.

As I looked out at the sky, I asked myself, what do the sky remind me of now.

The answer that I got was: I want to escape from this sadness.

I saw no reason for this feeling, yet, against all odds, the impression that was left on me was no more than the sky crying.

Crying.

Though I ever so wanted to do that, the will within me forbids it. It's painful, to keep everything bottled up, yet if I ever let any out, the only thing that will happen, will be me bringing problems to my own self.

I do not want anyone to pity me. Neither do I want to pain those around me.

Ironic, isn't it? We humans whine each day, almost at the fact of every single thing, yet here I am, saying that I do not need anyone's pity.

I hate myself. So much more than anything else.

Why, of all things, am I so weak?

Why, of all things, I am such a coward to face others?

I ain't even fit to be called a friend.

Neither do I want others to call me a friend.

In those eyes that call themselves my friend, I see no feeling of kindness, no feeling of friendship.

All I see, is the feeling of impatience, ignorance and unfeeling.

If that is the case, why do you still give me a place in your heart? If there is no need for me to even exist, why don't you just wipe me out from your heart?

All I ever want from anyone who doesn't give a damn about me, is to forget me completely.

But even if you don't do that, there's nothing I do, can I? But there is after all. And that is for me to wipe you out from my heart completely.

Yes. To wipe out all memories entirely.

I'm sorry to say this but, to the one who has been with me for the past 12 years, I want to erase you off from my memory entirely. Whenever I see you, you only remind me of me back in the past. You remind me that the two of us exists in two different worlds which will never meet at all. Just like the north and south pole.

When I look at you, I feel like slapping myself awake.

Yet, I am never able to awake. Because I was never asleep in the first place.

Forgive me... And with my disappearence twenty days later, I wish you all the best.

Acheive what I failed to preserve...